Easy Sell: The Suicide Squad

I feel vaguely familiarly emotional, but somewhat empty for not having earned it.

Originally written in 2021


DC exec 1: we wanna reboot suicide squad

DC exec 2: okay, who do you want to run it?

DC1: how about James Gunn?

DC2: the guy who directed guardians of the galaxy vol. 2?

Dc1: the very one. I heard he’s cancelled. He’ll do anything!

DC2: okay, let’s get him on the phone.

<rings barely once>

Receptionist: James Gunn’s office, please hold.

<nostalgic pop musak plays>

DC1: huh, I feel vaguely familiarly emotional, but somewhat empty for not having earned it.

James Gunn: Gunn here, I’ll do it!

DC2: Easy on the trigger there, Gunn, l-o-l

DC1: James, it’s DC. We love your style, and we want you to reboot Suicide Squad for us.

JG: fantastic! I’ve got my GotG script template open already.

DC2: you know us so well. We want the look and feel of a good marvel vehicle

DC1: but with more blood and swear words

JG: good good. I know a bunch of the actors. I’ll sign them on.

DC2: someone big, too. Who played Heimdall?

JG: Idris Elba! That’s perfect. Gives me an idea. He’ll lead them to attack a secret lab with space creatures, and we’ll call the lab Jotunheim.

DC1: what are these words? what in the hell is that?

JG: it’s a realm from Thor: The Dark World (best Thor movie, btw). It’ll help audiences understand where they recognize him from while evoking in their minds that this is a superhero movie.

DC1: perfect! Ugh, I’ve got such a box office erection right now.

DC2: oh, right, that reminds me: don’t forget to put Harley in there.

JG: yeah, definitely. But just that sexy juggalo stuff. I already don’t have room for an actual arc for her. There’s too many character backstories to introduce and then throw away callously. Duplicate super assassins and duplicate complicated father-daughter relationships. Yes, yes!!!

DC2: give it all to us, you big unstoppable Gunn!

JG: impossible cartoonish weaponry. A banana republic. A big dumb animal on the team. Soldiers that run at our heroes one at a time! Oh yes!

DC1: almost there! I’m so close!

JG: jokes that never land! John Cena’s crotch! Death without consequences! US exceptionalism! Child prison murder! A total ripoff take on facehugging alien invasions! No point whatsoever!!!!!!!

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