Easy Sell: The Suicide Squad
I feel vaguely familiarly emotional, but somewhat empty for not having earned it.
Originally written in 2021
DC exec 1: we wanna reboot suicide squad
DC exec 2: okay, who do you want to run it?
DC1: how about James Gunn?
DC2: the guy who directed guardians of the galaxy vol. 2?
Dc1: the very one. I heard he’s cancelled. He’ll do anything!
DC2: okay, let’s get him on the phone.
<rings barely once>
Receptionist: James Gunn’s office, please hold.
<nostalgic pop musak plays>
DC1: huh, I feel vaguely familiarly emotional, but somewhat empty for not having earned it.
James Gunn: Gunn here, I’ll do it!
DC2: Easy on the trigger there, Gunn, l-o-l
DC1: James, it’s DC. We love your style, and we want you to reboot Suicide Squad for us.
JG: fantastic! I’ve got my GotG script template open already.
DC2: you know us so well. We want the look and feel of a good marvel vehicle
DC1: but with more blood and swear words
JG: good good. I know a bunch of the actors. I’ll sign them on.
DC2: someone big, too. Who played Heimdall?
JG: Idris Elba! That’s perfect. Gives me an idea. He’ll lead them to attack a secret lab with space creatures, and we’ll call the lab Jotunheim.
DC1: what are these words? what in the hell is that?
JG: it’s a realm from Thor: The Dark World (best Thor movie, btw). It’ll help audiences understand where they recognize him from while evoking in their minds that this is a superhero movie.
DC1: perfect! Ugh, I’ve got such a box office erection right now.
DC2: oh, right, that reminds me: don’t forget to put Harley in there.
JG: yeah, definitely. But just that sexy juggalo stuff. I already don’t have room for an actual arc for her. There’s too many character backstories to introduce and then throw away callously. Duplicate super assassins and duplicate complicated father-daughter relationships. Yes, yes!!!
DC2: give it all to us, you big unstoppable Gunn!
JG: impossible cartoonish weaponry. A banana republic. A big dumb animal on the team. Soldiers that run at our heroes one at a time! Oh yes!
DC1: almost there! I’m so close!
JG: jokes that never land! John Cena’s crotch! Death without consequences! US exceptionalism! Child prison murder! A total ripoff take on facehugging alien invasions! No point whatsoever!!!!!!!